Happy Chess Velentine!

From the National Championship, in between today's preparation and a walk outside, confronting the winter's wrath, I wish you all a great day!
We are celebrating it by playing chess, what else?! If you have never thought that chess and romance could go together, take a look at the card underneath, from the 20th century, maybe it will change your mind:)

TV Chess Sketch

Maybe you remember the video I posted a while ago, The Master Game from the 80's, aired by BBC. It was a very interesting TV series, with the players commenting their moves, you could listen their thoughts and follow the game. It was a big success back than and it even made it into a TV sketch, as Mark Crowther shares with us on twitter.


Enjoy!

Chess Crosswords

DONALD K. MCKIM'S
CHESS MISCELLANIES:

Answers:

Chess Romance

Before the match...

Seize the moment

Paul Merton in a chess video

For the moment we have a lot of clouds in Holland and it's raining, for hours already. To give this day a cheerful tone, I thought to share with you a funny chess video, which I am sure you'll like, even if you are more lucky than me, enjoying the sun under a palm tree:)

Tired of chess?! Take a break:)

If you had a long and tiring day, working on your openings, cleaning your bases, analysing your games and so on, it is just about time to stop for a second.


If you had a long and boring day, without being in the mood for anything, no inspiration, no motivation, it is just about time to stop for a second.


The best therapy...see the picture:)

Tata Steel Chess - Black day

Tigran Petrosian

Having a bad day?!


Today was not a great day for the Dutch players. In all groups: A, B and C everyhting went wrong, even if they all had White.

• In the A-Group: Erwin l'Ami, Jan Smeets, Anish Giri - they all lost
• In the B-Group: Friso Nijboer and Wouter Spoelman - both a zero
• In the C-Group: Benjamin Bok also lost; luckily Roeland Pruijssers and Robin van Kampen were playing each other and finally a draw was agreed...

There is not so much to be said in these kind of circumstances...maybe just one thing: when you win, you don't know what you might lose, and when you lose, you never know what you get in return.


For those who need a little bit of optimism in their lives:

Extreme Chess!

Who said that chess cannot be dangerous?!

How to watch a chess game

ROBERT BENCHLEY


Many of my friends ask sometimes about how do I train, how is the game being played, what should they do to understand what's happening on the board and so on (I'm talking about my non-chess friends of course).
While looking on internet for one of my future's posts, I discovered an amusing article, written many years ago, which might be an answer to their questions:)


Robert Charles Benchley (September 15, 1889 – November 21, 1945) was an American humorist best known for his work as a newspaper columnist and film actor.
Robert Benchley wrote, directed and acted in many short satirical films. He revealed how to watch a game in a 1923 article from THE HUMORIST:

We will suppose that you have found two people playing chess
     somewhere. They probably will neither hear nor see you as
     you come upon them, so you can stand directly behind the one
     who is defending the south goal without fear of detection.

     At first you may think that they are both dead, but a
     mirror held to the lips of the nearest contestant will
     probably show moisture. Soon you will observe a slight
     twitching of the eyelid or a moistening of the lips and
     then, like a greatly retarded moving picture of a person
     passing the salt, one of the players will lift a chessman
     from one spot on the board and place it on another spot.

     It would be best not to stand too close to the board at this
     time, as you are likely to be trampled in the excitement.
     The players may even forget themselves to the point of
     shifting their feet or changing the hands on which they are
     resting their foreheads. Almost anything is liable to happen.

     When the commotion has died down a little, it will be safe
     for you to walk round and stand behind the other player and
     wait there for the next move. You will perhaps find it
     difficult at first to keep your attention on the board. This
     can be accomplished by means of several little optical tricks.

     For instance, if you look at the black and white squares
     on the board very hard for a very long time, they will
     appear to jump about and change places. The black squares
     will rise from the board about a quarter of an inch and
     slightly overlap the white ones. Then, if you change focus
     suddenly, the white squares will do the same thing to the
     black ones.

     And finally, after doing this until someone asks you what
     you are looking cross-eyed for, if you will shut your eyes
     tight, you will see an exact reproduction of the chess-board
     done in pink and green, in your mind's eye. By this time,
     the players will be almost ready for another move.

The complete article can be found in the book: "Love conqueres all" by Robert Benchley, a collection of 63 short humor.

This volume (see picture) collects 63 excellent gems from his early professional work, when Benchley’s enthusiasm and style were approaching their peak.

CHESS MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!

Chess Simul

Preparing to go to Wolvega, for Remco Heite Tournament. I will play in the Open (rapid) and Erwin in the invitation group. First prize in the GM's Group is a horse! Until me next report, enjoy the following video:

Chess Humour

More Chess Humour:)

"So I was having dinner with a chess grandmaster - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!"

TOP TEN Moments when you should sense danger in chess:

10. There has been a change in the pawn structure. Your opponent has eight and you don’t have any.
9. Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.
8. You have a position won, but your opponent has a gun.
7. The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.
6. Before the game begins you notice your opponent’s first initials are GM.
5. After completing your development you sense your opponent is playing the endgame.
4. Just as you make your opening move your opponent announces mate in 11.
3. You don’t control any squares at all.
2. Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.
1. Your opponent has three bishops.

Two chess players, Vlad and Igor, decide to play a game of correspondence chess. The only problem is that Vlad is at the North Pole and Igor is at the South Pole, both at totally remote outposts.
However, they have devised an ingenious scheme where every month, they arrange for a team of huskies to battle the elements from the respective base camps to the outposts in order to deliver the moves inside a weatherproof vial, strapped to a dog's neck.
This plan works fine for a few years. By move 27, the game is reaching the critical middle game point, where a wrong move would mean disaster for either player.
It is Vlad to move, and for some reason, Igor does not receive his move on the normal date.
Two months pass, then three, then six, then a complete year. By now, Igor can hardly stand the suspense and is climbing the walls with frustration.
Suddenly, he sees a team of huskies approaching through the blizzard outside. He rushes out, and with trembling hands, opens the container.
He unfolds the paper and can hardly bear to look at it. He tentatively opens his eyes and scans what is written on the paper:
"j'adoube".

My computer beats me at chess.
Unfortunately my computer is not as good at kickboxing.
I think my computer will have to forfeit the tiebreak round.

Q: Where do you buy chess supplies?
A: At a pawn shop!

In 1972 a group of Soviet gulag prisoners listened to the first five games of the Fischer-Spassky world championship match on a smuggled radio.   At that point the match was tied at 2.5 points each, and just before game 6 the prison guards discovered the radio, confiscating it before the hapless prisoners could learn the outcome of the match.

Some two weeks later, a new prisoner arrived in the camp.  Eagerly crowding around the newcomer, the prisoners pressed him for the final results of the match, whereupon he sadly replied, "I lost."

How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb? Nine.
One to complain about the lighting levels,
one to say he thinks the lighting is OK,
one to suggest someone calls the arbiter,
one to go and call the arbiter,
one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings,
one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing,
both arbiters, and
one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.”

Mr. A: "hm~~, I am confused"
Mr. B: "What's the problem, A?"

Mr. A: "Well, I am thinking about chess."
Mr. B: "Oh, I am an expert, A, so if you got any. . . "

Mr. A: "OH GOOD~, you see B, The queen has the power of both Bishop and Rook, which makes it kinda the best piece in the game but, how come the queen can't move like a knight?"
Mr. B: "Um... um... um... Maybe... because... um... The queen is too shy to get onto a horse... you know... the skirt and stuff... "

Mr. A: "Ok... but I thought only man can go to war. How come there is a queen in the chess board?"
Mr. B: "Because... um... um... everyone should be treated equally?"

Mr. A: "I see. I thought women weren't treated equally in the past."
Mr. B: "You know what, I got to go."

How to have an undefeatable chess career!

There are dozens of books and articles on "How to..." and than, miraculously, you suddenly become an expert! (At least this is what they promise you:) Why not a chess expert than?! We all know how well chess players are taking their loses..."In chess winning isn't everything, it is the only thing!" Therefore, it is quite necessary to know how to win easily without just mastering the difficult task of playing good chess. The art of annoying your opponent is a must for those who do not have the time nor patience of playing master chess:) And that's most of us. Easy step by step rules called "How to" will help you be on your way to an undefeatable chess career.
Caution: Results may vary!

There are several methods that can be adopted to disturb your opponent so as to distract him from making a good move. 

Step number one - Setup the board in a goofy manner as to annoy your opponent. Along with the board, set the pieces up in correct order making sure that each piece is off center if not touching an adjacent square. If your opponent adjust the pieces, wait until he's done and than adjust them again. Trust me, he'll give up. Good job. You have successfully angered if not made your opponent ready to kill you at any given moment. Don't worry, killing is illegal in the game of chess and he will have to immediately forfeit the game, making you the winner. But if he doesn't act in such a way, follow step two.

Step number two - What you should do before the game starts:

Smoke a few very bad cigarettes and than, of course, start a conversation!

If you are not a smoker, don't panick! Eating garlic is a very good alternative!

Another effective method is to talk to spectators about your opponent and perhaps start ugly rumors about him ("He loves George Bush"). People will soon be staring at your opponent, will start to snicker and point at him. This will make your opponent very uncomfortable and will take his mind off of chess. If that doesn't work, discuss your opponent's playing ability or talk about how he dresses funny. This will draw your opponent into the discussion with an argument and he will have forgotten all about his game.

Well chess champion in the making, if these don't work, don't give up hope. These steps are guaranteed victory. Proceed to step three.

Step number three - during the game:

The following tricky moves will never let you down:

1. First move: Randomly yawn with intense mouth opening expression on your face. Move your arms into the air as if to stretch them, best if the arms "accidentally" hit him. Remember, they aren't expecting you to do this. Try a couple times to get it all in one motion. Don't worry, it takes everybody a couple dozen tries. Great job! Proceed.

2. Second move: A very effective method of disturbance is to cough, sneeze, and blow your nose loudly during the game. Spread lots of germs and let your opponent know that you may have some awful disease. If he thinks your disease is contagious, he will leave the board often, unable to concentrate on the game. Have lots of used tissue paper from blowing your nose on your side of the board.

3. Third move: Bring enough food and drinks with you. Let your opponent know how much you enjoy them. Chomp loudly so all may hear your wonderful sound of you chewing your chips and sandwich. Drink any soft beverage and after each sip say "Ahhhh" like your being refreshed every time. Then lick your lips with much enthusiasm and with more "Ahhhh" noises in between. Eating and drinking are very compatible as they both give each other support and better efficiency.

If still nothing works so far, it means you are facing a very strong Grandmaster, but don't worry, he is also human. 

4. Fourth move: A popular method among grandmasters for annoying an opponent is to stare directly and deliberately at your opponent. Let your opponent know he is being watched and stared at. Of course, if your opponent starts staring back at you during your move, carry a pair of sunglasses with you and slip them on. The mirror reflection type is best just in case your opponent or his guru is trying to hypnotize you.

5. Fifth move: With the help of a friend, you can plan on taking pictures of the game. Make sure a bright flash can be produced. Just before your opponent reaches to make a move, your friend flashes the camera and blinds your opponent temporarily.

6. Sixth move: This one is for more advanced players - pretend you just made a blunder and act in a very convincing way! Of course you have a trick and you calculated everything. Your opponent will hurry, happy to finish the game, but he will miss your hidden idea! Watch the video:


 

Warning! Unfortunately Kasparov really made a blunder here, so watch out!

7. Secret move: If all fails, here it comes the best secret of all secrets: When your opponent is thinking, make yourself a lousy move with his piece, as if he did it himself! 

TOP SECRET! There is just one more kind of annoyance worth mentioning. Of all the annoyances to an opponent you can make, this is the most devestating of all. Although it is very infrequent in occurrence and almost entirely accidental, it is the most annoying and upsetting disturbance known to chess. It is called making a strong move!

Chess Jokes:)

"I'm looking for Patrick, do you know where I might find him?"
"He's in the dark room..."
"What is Patrick doing in there?!" 
"He's playing blindfold chess of course!"

Q: Why should you never buy a house from a chess player?

A: Because they take ages to move!

Chess Cartoons!

Only 5 more min until work finishes and still 20 moves to make! I.Gentsch("Krokokil")

by Pierre Bretagnolle

Source: www.chessgraphics.net

Chess humour

A chess joke to start (or end) your day with a smile:


A passed pawn comes home from work one day driving a fancy new car. His wife is astonished and says "Honey, I don't think we can afford this nice new car on your salary." The passed pawn says "Relax, I'm about to get promoted!".

Chess Anecdotes:)

A few jokes to start your day better:)

A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him! 
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked. 
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news." 
"Tell me the good news first." 
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them." 
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?" 
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday." 

In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say:
"What a clever dog!"
But the man protests:
"No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"

"I've created a chess program that mimics human play" said the computer science major.
"So it plays at GM level then?" asks the advising professor.
"No, but it does blame its loss on outside conditions!"

                                  

Career change?!

There is always a moment in life when you realize you can do more things than you ever thought. Like me few minutes ago: just broke into my husband's parents house, because he forgot the keys inside of the door. There was absolutely no normal way to enter...on the back door, the keys were also inside...so, what to do?! Besides showing my burglar skills?! I tried different ways: climbing fences, calling some people, i also became desperate at some point...many methods i saw on movies...nothing worked. But all i needed was a piece of cable and patience. We are finally in the house, enjoying our computers:) They did a great job while we were out, they were calculating! So, Erwin just discovered some new ideas for Wijk aan Zee, which means, the time was successfully used!